Lately, i have had several discussions with both men and women about the "needy woman". I know you are wondering now who i am talking about. Well, she is the woman that says,"You can't get with this, until you pay for this". She is the woman who demands reciprocation for her time, her love, her recognition of you. And to be truthful from what I've heard, this works.
I have friends that have told me that they get their bills paid, they get doted on, they get gifts and trips and more, just because that is what they ask for or demand of a man they are spending time with.
Okay, to be honest this is totally alien to me. I have never expected or even asked a man to pay for anything, and in that respect it has never been done. Even when me and Mister (my ex) were together, we pretty much shared everything, bills an all down the middle. But i am seeing a new light.
While having a stimulating conversation with friends it was brought to my attention that a man wants to be needed. A man wants to feel like he is footing the bill. In my friends own words, "he can't get with this, unless he can get with that". Okay, but isn't this like prostitution of some kind...at least that is what I'm thinking...until. Until i went to a couple of blog brother's site and i heard almost the same. "A man needs to feel needed. Woman can't be the Superwoman! Woman have to let their man know they NEED him. Need him to cut the grass. Need him to fix something. Need him to pay a bill. Need him to rescue his woman.
Then i listened to a very popular woman blogger almost say the same. It is in fact a man's responsibility to take care of his woman.
Now, believe me at this point i am confused, and yet i see merit on this discussion. Although i have been living the independent life for most of my life, i also see it has not always been profitable for me. I praised the fact that i was raised by a very strong, independent woman, and yet i promised myself that i would never end up like her. Here's what i mean. My lovely mom has taken care of a man most of her life. Her husband, my stepdad hadn't worked in 30 of their 35 years together. This fact caused much pain with me and my siblings and him, but mostly because she allowed it and later defended it. Saying, just like he would say, "He couldn't work for the man". Some 35 years together, they are still in love, yes, that's a great thing...and yet she is still the primary caretaker.
I am strong like my mom. I am a caregiver too! I've recently started to notice that all the men i attract are "takers", they are men who need me, or want me to take care of them, as opposed to, "givers", men who want to care of me.
Could it be, i and my sister (who agrees with me) are sending the wrong signals? Is our strength so evident, that we seem overwhelming to the average man?
I know it will be difficult for me to pretend to be the "Needy Woman", but i think i may need to change something in order to attract the man that i desire. One who respects my strength and yet feeds my vulnerabilities. A man that sees through the veil, and knows my experience and life changing moments prepared me to carry on, and yet knows, i need him. I need him like air. I need him and he needs me. So i guess in the end...i am that "Needy Woman".
What say u fam?
14 comments:
Well I have a different take on this one. I 2 as a man have the need to feel needed, but let's not go overboard here. Men don't like a woman who demands that of her man, we like a woman respects our role. While I love doing everything for my woman from bills to pleasure I love that's she allows me to assert myself. The minute that it becomes a job 2 take care of her is when the problems arrive. Trust and believe that your man loves ur independance also which gives him the thirst to provide for you. He love that you allow him to be a man without dictating what he needs to do. Those friends u speaks of no offense sounds like they have themselves a sugar daddy's and those guy who speak that way sound like guys who like 2 floss there chips around. For the average man he loves ur appreciation and that will make him do whatever it takes 2 put a smile on that face. Great Post!
I'm confused and still trying to figure out what gives. I, too, was raised to be independent so letting someone else (who I'm not married to) essentially control what I have is an uncomfortable thing for me to embrace. Not to mention the label of "high maintenance" slapped on those who do demand/ask for what they really want.
Still in study mode...
wow miz we are twins..I'm the same way!!!
I was raised by my dad to not depend on a man for anything..so I was always the aggressor I wanted to wear the pants in the house and I wanted to take care of myself and whatever else I could..thinking that when I got married the man would take care of me..but we were more like partners..like you say splitting it down the middle...
now that i need/want someone to take care of me I still feel the need to take care of it myself for fear I will OWE them something so its best to handle it all on my own..my ex even said "well you always have your own thing"
why can't we have both or have it all..why can't I be independent and be spoiled by you and why can't we both take care of each other... and why can't I be a strong woman without you feeling like I don't need you...
and why can't you take care of everything and pay for everything without thinking i'm a gold digger??
You don't have to be needy, you just have to learn how to let a man be a man. Expect him to pay the bills, expect him to take care of things that need to be fixed. Now, if your man has a ton of things on his plate, by all means, have his back. Just don't bail him out by ALWAYS doing everything for him. That's when you turn him into a taker.
Basically, your friends introduced to you what I thought was evident - men will get away with whatever you allow us to get away with. That's how some women become mistresses for life while others, even one's you can't figure out why about, end up to be wives.
I agree with 25Champ one hunid'.
A woman needs love but men need respect. Women assume that a man is satisfied in a relationship because they provide for our material needs, cooking, orderly house, etc., while we appreciate those things (Please & Thank you!) ... deep down what I (maybe I can say men) need is your admiration and respect by understanding my value and accomplishments, remind me what I am capable of, t!his helps maintain my self-confidence. This type of respect is the base of my self-esteem. The love, respect that you show will make him to want to be a better man.
Great post as always. Keep doing you! "He" is out there & he is a giver you have to be ready to receive.
Say word. Word.
Pure Tomfoolery! I mean, turn your head and run, Miz. Those women that are giving you all that "wisdom" are fooling themselves. Look, ask yourself if you'd like to be in a relationship with any of thoses "part-time" ho's, men? You can get a dog to fetch a bone.
Besides, lets be really real, a man can buy love around any corner. There are a ton of needy women. And, if he's "buying" one... he's buying another. Those women are simply rationalizing bad behavior that I wouldn't pass down to my son nor my daughter.
Damn, talking about the blind leading the blind. I mean, what kind of man would a women be getting if he couldn't cop and hold a woman unless he was a lap dog?! But again, what kind of woman would he be getting? It sounds like nooky to the highest bidder :-)
@ALL - now it's a dangon shame when your own comment doesn't post. Well, first of all i am really enjoying the comments and discussion here from both the men and women. You have given me a lot to ponder over and even take back to that office discussion.
@25Champ - you are wise beyond your years, really. Everytime you show up you spread knowledge.It's good to know that the average man thinks along the same lines as i do.
@CurvyGurl - Me too girl, but i'm getting some enlightment now.
@GeminiGirl - Gurl, you said a mouthful and just reiterated how i've been feeling.
"why can't we have both or have it all..why can't I be independent and be spoiled by you and why can't we both take care of each other... and why can't I be a strong woman without you feeling like I don't need you..." -EXACTLY
@Rich - Good Advice. Sound advice.
@MrTramuel - Thanks for breaking that down. I love it! Waiting and ready to received :)
@CareyCarey - yeah, well that's why i asked the question, just telling it like it is. Thanks as always.
I think this is where my youth shows, because I am hella selfish. If you remember a blog entry of mine, that's why me and SC fell out because I wasn't paying for a doggone thing, in spite of the fact we spent two *ahem* amorous weekends together.
I think if there's mutual love, admiration and a sense of "we can accomplish a ton together," then yes, it's quite alright for a man to take care of a woman financially. If she's looking for a come up, then she's gotta look elsewhere.
But one thing I am adamant about - NO MAN WITH A REAL SET OF BALLS WILL EVER LET A WOMAN PROVIDE FOR HIM FINANCIALLY. I refuse to let a woman take care of me in any other other way than love and affection. That's just triflin.
Sorry this was all long-winded, LOL
I wouldn't call the kind of woman you described as needy. More like "quid pro quo", the Latin phrase for something for something.
Womens Rights somehow got polluted with the idea that accepting male chivalry was bad, ie, "don't hold my doors, I can do it my damn self."
Yeah, well there's something wrong with shoveling your own snow or cutting your own grass the morning after you slept with your boyfriend, whom you paid for your part of the dinner and movie you saw last night.
In that case, she ain't even a prostitute, just a sucker for guy who can roll around with her bed.
Nah, I say let 'em help out. Good for building their character and let's a woman know a man really cares.
Hey Miz!! I have this discussion on facebook very often. This statement is true, however, there is a difference between being "needed" and being a "sugar daddy". It is important for each of us to play our role. He is to get the final say-so, he does wear the pants (please, this only goes for the one whom you have papers on!!) His ego does need to be stroked. The new aged independent woman is a thorn in the side to some men. The kind of woman that "don't need you", tends to for the most part, play outside her role. He is to feel needed as we are to feel wanted! We need to hear things just as they do. For years I've said, "my hubby is not needed, he is wanted"...but clearly, he is both! We make each others world go round. So in hindsight, it is much deeper than having him foot your bills. Thin line between having him feel needed and her being a golddigger.
I was raised to always have my own...I guess some of those types of women DO have their own but want whattheir man has to offer as well?
I'm not sure how it all works but I've seen it done. I've been taken care of in that fashion before but when it came down to me showing that i could do things for myself. Ole boy started acting crazy and jealous. He WANTED me to depend on him and never have enough for myself thus having to ask him to do the rest but i just wasnt that type of girl.
Hmm...
I agree with Kit, for some reason many people believe chivalry is dead because of the independence of women when honestly there should be more of it.
I think anyone who actually gives a damn will open a door or otherwise treat you with that kind of respect and care if they truly are a good person. It's not subjective to gender at all now a days.
As for the needy aspect, the same applies. Both genders, may it be men or women, can take advantage of their partners.
Men in general do like to feel needed, such as perhaps treating out their women sometimes. But then again we also like to be taken care of at times too (example: any man with a mild cold = bit of a wuss)...
The fact is, all you need is a man who wants to provide for you, but not to the point in which you are not allowed to contribute. That being said, there is a reason relationships are often described as "give and take"... both need to do just that at one time or another.
@Chris - i don't really think it's a sign of your age, but how you view relationships or even better how you view the process of dating a woman. Unless you have a real committment, i would agree with you that "taking care" of her is not standard, nor required.
@Kit - oh most definitely, i will be letting them help out. I'm not one for you owe me, i just think out of respect and mutual admiration a man and a woman should show gratitude.
@Amy - thanks!
@Tia - don't get me wrong, i do believe that some of my sisters are straight up golddiggers, really. So while listening to this i was amazed that men still did these things. See, i never required that of a man, sure i would love for them to do something so simple as wash my car, or cut the grass, but i have never requested such. I'm just trying to understand. Thanks for sharing.
@Vee- See that is the flipside of it. I feel if you condone such behavior you are made to be a slave to it, and i just can't do that. Thanks for sharing.
@Ziam - Thanks for sharing that...yes somewhere after Women's Rights, we lost a bit of chivalry, well in all honestly quite of bit. You said it all in your last paragraph..."all you need is a man who wants to provide for you, but not to the point in which you are not allowed to contribute." Welcome and thanks for the input.
Oh yes girl!! They will do it, but at what cost? There is a limit. Guys will take you out, spend money on you because they enjoy your company. But for the most part, the man that foots her bills and they are not in a relationship, is getting something in return. He's not doing because she has a pretty smile. lol Then some of them like the fact that if they continue to throw the loot her way, they can still get their way. Which is, the wife at home and the chick on the side. When I was dating I too got a lot of stuff, but it was for he and I. Vacations, dates, things we enjoyed together. Now if I had of slept with all of them, maybe I would've gotten some bills paid and some other stuff too. lol. I just don't feel that it's without some kind of cost.
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